Chapter 32: One Year In

Over time new colors are revealed with different light.

How and why did I decide to write about my life and impressions a year ago? The last time I took an English class was in high school over 50 years ago. Over the past 40 years I have written e-mails, a few medical papers, medical lectures and in private, poems and musical lyrics. But a Substack about my life as a doctor and a patient? How did that happen?

In short it was an interview. An interview? What interview?

I will go back to the beginning.

I met my friend Raphael soon after starting my Urologic practice in Seattle. We started our practices at about the same time, got married and had kids and had many mutual friends. Both of us were deep into our work life and really spend little time together in those early years, but always seemed to have a deeper connection than small talk at parties. And over the years we drifted apart, not as ex friends, just two people whose worlds demanded too much time.

Decades later at the end of our medical careers we restarted our friendship. How it happened, I really cannot remember, but we started by taking bike rides together and slowly but surely, we began with occasional lunches together and walks with deep and various conversations. The conversations ranged from business, the arts, personal and psychological connections, books. We had a very different view of life, but were very accepting of each other’s opinions.

And then on Feb 27, 2025, I read an article in the New York Times about Dr. Bryant Lin, a professor of medicine at Stanford. In short from the article: Just 50 years old and a nonsmoker, he had been diagnosed with Stage 4 lung cancer four months earlier. The illness is terminal, and Dr. Lin estimated that he had roughly two years left before the drug he was taking stopped working. Instead of pulling back from work, he chose to spend the fall quarter teaching a course about his own illness.

It got me to thinking. I am retired, I had a long and interesting career in Urology where I treated many men for prostate cancer and I have been treated for the same disease, at that time, for 20 years. I enjoy lecturing. What about getting in touch with the University of Washington to see if I could give a lecture or a group of lectures about my life as a doctor and a patient. I certainly had the connections to meet with people in the Med school to discuss this idea. But really what would I say? How would they really know what I was considering?

So, I go back to the conversations with Raphael. Over the years he understood my feelings about my passion of being a physician and my feelings about people. He brought up the thought about writing. That had never occurred to me. He felt I had some important things to say which also didn’t occur to me. At that point he told me about Substack, an online forum where I could give my thoughts.

It took a while, but then I pieced something together. My Substack would be my interview. If ever someone wanted me to talk about my passion for medicine, my fears as a patient and how I look at life, they would have a general idea by just reading chapters. And so, in my own small way, I can use the inspiration I got from the article about Dr. Lin to help people in a way I never imagined.

After a year, I look back at what I have done with writing. At first it was so energizing. I felt I had so much to say that had been bottled up. It was as if I had a new mission, that of uplifting people during their time of fear. I also wanted to show the joy of living and exploring new territory, even during times of difficulty. Hearing a new piece of music or hiking through the woods brings me joy which I want to share. There are also lessons from my past which have helped me during difficult times. And slowly I found a new pace in writing. Rather than needing to write daily, I now let ideas settle into the background of my life and write when the spirit moves me. Sometimes a thought would come and I would write. I enjoy my time with Karen, think about visiting the kids, play and study music, play tennis and experiment in the kitchen. I no longer have the internal pressure to put down my thoughts. And I have rediscovered my love of lyrics and poetry. Writing small snippets about feelings in poetry rather than prose has its own magic.

Has this time writing changed me? No, my balance of retired life is still the same. But I now have a new way to experience life, to give to others. When I was younger, I could give myself thru writing music, cooking and laughter. Then I added taking care of people in their time of need. And now I have just another avenue to explore and to give to people. These are words that my daughters will have when I am long gone.

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I want to give my appreciation to Dr. Bryant Lin, wherever he is, for the inspiration to start writing.

I also want to acknowledge Dr. Paul Kalanithi who wrote When Breath Becomes Air